I shared today’s sermon title with you a couple of weeks ago, but if you weren’t here, let me explain the title of today’s message: Zig Ziglar, a motivation speaker and salesman extraordinaire, was once asked how as a Christian parent he could advise others in raising their kids. His response? He said, “It’s no real secret to raising your kids God’s way; simply spank them … and take them to church!” That was his formula for successful parenting…
Now, that may seem a bit harsh, but I’m here to tell you today that it really isn’t too far from what the Apostle Paul says in our scripture lesson for today—a continuation of last week’s lesson and his words of advice to the church at Ephesus. An alternate title for today’s sermon might be:
“RAISE THEM TO LOVE GOD & DISCIPLINE THEM WHEN NEEDED!”
Last week, we learned that the children’s #1 duty in the home is to obey; this week, we’re going to learn about the parenting side of that conversation. Listen to what Paul tells the church there…
Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction. – Ephesians 6:4 (TEV)
So, 3 things that we need to pay attention to, in order to be good stewards of our kids—God’s way! What was the first thing?
DON’T MAKE YOUR KIDS MAD! Ephesians 6:4a – “Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry.” Here, Paul is warning parents what not to do, in the stewardship of raising their (God’s) kids … if they’ve been baptized! Don’t stir them to anger, either deliberately or through careless but unnecessary provocations…
Unfortunately, some of us have had to learn that the hard way… It took me years to learn that teasing my daughter in such a way that actually provoked her to anger was not a Christian thing to do! And, sometimes when I thought I was teasing her in fun, it wasn’t for her… When she got to be around 15-16 years old (when some girls start dating), I used to kid her about the interrogation that would take place before any young man could take her out on a date… Apparently, she didn’t think that was funny! I always wondered why she waited until she was pretty much out of high school (and away from dad) to begin dating seriously … and now I guess I know the answer!
She never said much, and maybe it all has turned out O.K., but the consistent ‘jabbing’ that I did was not right either. Dads, I hope you have ears to hear this morning… So, what are some ways that we can provoke our kids to anger—ways that we need to steer clear of?
You can anger your children in these ways (amongst others):
1. Overprotection – You can anger your kids by fencing them in too much, smothering them, never trusting them, always assuming they are not telling you the truth! There is certainly a need for protection of our kids, but overprotection is a different story; we need to find the balance. Parents, we need to grow in things like trust…
2. Overindulgence – The flip-side of overprotection is … OVERINDULGENCE! Excessively permissive parents can also kindle their kid’s wrath; studies prove that kids given too much freedom begin to feel insecure and unloved. Kids need (and want) boundaries (Eddis Olson)…
3. Favoritism – A third sure-fire way of provoking anger in our kids is to show favoritism; I can guarantee you this…
My father, in his career as a pastor, had one nationally distributed article written about him and his ministry in Neenah, Wisconsin, published by Guideposts Magazine. He was, of course, interviewed for the article. I can’t believe that my mother didn’t catch this, but I don’t think she was around when he was interviewed. In the interview for this article of his lifetime—nationally distributed … my father failed to mention that he had 2 daughters. Because his 3 sons were either in ministry or connected to the United Methodist Church, it was the 3 of us that he mentioned … and didn’t mention his daughters…
Do you see where I’m headed with this? Feelings were hurt; I’m just very thankful that both of my sisters are Christians … and believe in forgiveness. My father loves his 2 daughters … but, in a weak moment, he failed to value them as he did his sons… Not a wise thing to do! Stay away from favoritism of any kind…
4. Unrealistic Goals is yet another way to anger our kids. If you are a parent who constantly pushes achievement, stop it! Encourage them … but don’t push them; there is a difference! If you push your kids to unrealistic or unrealizable goals, they will grow up robbed of any sense of fulfillment! Grown adults are still affected by this way of provoking anger … and they’re still angry, too!
5. Discouragement – In a similar vein, you can provoke a child to anger by discouraging them… Colossians 3:21 (MSG)—where Paul is talking to yet another church—says, “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.”
There a simple rule that I finally learned as a parent that works pretty good, so here it is: For every time I had to point out something that was wrong to one of my kids, I’d try and find something positive to talk with them about soon after—something I could praise them for… That’s a part of the balance we need to find in parenting…
6. Neglect – Fail to show your kids affection; show them indifference; fail to take an interest in what interests them … and you’ll soon see the wrath of your child—acting out in ways that you cannot even imagine. Make sure that you’re a parent that regularly steps into their world—not just spending time with them when they step into yours…
7. Condescension – Don’t refuse to allow your kids to grow up! If you constantly put them down for immature things; if you constantly talk down to them, because they’re young; if you stifle them every time they try something that’s more ‘grown up,’ you will never encourage them to grow … and that will make them mad!
About 10 years ago, I had to finally have a stern conversation with my father … and let him know that “I was 42 years old, a grown man, and could make my own decisions; thank you very much!” (The truth is, he’s too much like his mother … wanting to control everyone in the family…) However, after that conversation we had, we’ve been more than father/son; we’ve been good friends ever since…
At almost 52 years old, he still won’t let me drive his new van … but, that’s another story! Don’t provoke your kids by talking down to them…
8. Withdrawing Love – Don’t employ affection as a tool of reward and/or punishment (and I would say the same thing goes for marriages, too!). Ours is supposed to be a model of God’s love, as Christian parents—an unconditional love that is ALWAYS present … even when we mess up. Love is not to be used and abused in that way…
9. Excessive Discipline – Too much chastisement is another way to guarantee that your kid’s anger will be aggravated. Here again, it’s all about ‘balance’…
So, those are ways of relating to our kids to be aware of and stay away from, ways that will surely provoke our kid’s anger … and God’s word says: DON’T DO THAT! Finally,
TEACH YOUR KIDS WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE GOD! In other words, give them the right training (Eph. 6:4c): “Raise them with Christian … instruction.”
The real key to the challenging work of parenting correctly is to create an environment of nurture and loving instruction in which our kid’s hearts become fertile grounds for God’s truth… IT IS THE CHILD’S HEART THAT PARENTS ARE TO NURTURE!
Sometimes, we forget that we—all of us who ‘parent’—are stewards of the precious gift of children that God has given to us. When we have our kids baptized, these are what the promises are all about… We are promising, as Christian parents, to raise our kids in the faith … and to teach them to love God! And, that’s a heart thing; again, it’s the child’s heart that those who ‘parent’ are to nurture… And, finally…
DISCIPLINE YOUR KIDS WHEN NEEDED (FOR GOD’S SAKE)! Ephesians 6:4b – “Instead, raise them with Christian discipline….” What is Paul saying here? Admonish them when necessary…
I would argue today that, in spite of the direction our culture has taken on the subject of discipline, the Bible actually prescribes use of ‘the rod’ in disciplining our children. However, that being said, it is our fallen world’s use of this discipline that has led to bad things. Again, as I’d said once before, spanking should never injure a child! It is never to be an abusive activity! It is always to be administered with love … and never when a parent is in a fit of rage…
The truth is, there are other forms of discipline that can and should be applied as well … and a balance of all forms available to us are what’s usually best—a balance also between admonition and encouragement!
So, are we being good stewards of those God has entrusted to us? Going back to Deuteronomy 6, are we providing an environment whereby our kids know that they are loved, nurtured, and instructed—constantly exposed to God’s truth… Once more, it’s their hearts that we’re supposed to be nurturing … for God’s sake!